This is a hard blog to write as I feel so much guilt for how I feel. I know they are normal natural feelings but I sit and cry because I feel bad for how I feel and what my daughter must be going through. It all seems to come down to sleep but when I really contemplate it my daughter needs more attention.

Because I had a C-section my husband brought Jess to bed so I could nurse her because it was so painful to get up we just let her stay in bed with us a co-sleeping situation I guess. Not something we planned and not something I wanted.

She has gotten used to a lot of comfort before going to sleep either nursing, rocking, shushing, the 5 S’s do work and I do believe are needed and should be done for a baby under 3 months maybe even 4 months according to the research they are still a fetus and need that nurturing.

The 1st 6 weeks my husband was on medical leave so it was better, I had a lot more help. I still had a lot of compassion for several more weeks but the constant crying unless she was being held or entertained started to wear on me. I have a lot of experience with children and babies from when I was younger and growing up and taking care of my son who is now 24, but I have never encountered a baby this needy.

We thought it was because of the C-section experience. We’re still trying to figure things out for sure and things have gotten better and seem to every day, like she doesn’t scream bloody murder just to get a diaper change anymore. It’s extremely hard when I so desire to write a blog or more importantly go to the bathroom, eat, or do dishes, it can be maddening. It’s worse when I think I’m not really helping her at all with what I’m doing. I figure something else must be wrong but it doesn’t take away the deep frustration I feel. I wanted her. I worked REALLY hard to have her (through IVF), how dare I feel this way? She does have some type of sleep problem that will need to be corrected using Healthy Sleep Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weisbluth

In the meantime my husband’s work has lightened a bit during the next 5 months with a lower work load at school, he’s finishing his MBA, we hired a sitter for 5 hours a week, so relief will come soon. In the meantime I pray a lot for many people when I sit rocking, nursing, or pumping milk so I know its productive and good things will come from this season.

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